Sheridan: Imagining Phil Jackson’s First Day on the Job

We now have ESPN.com reporting that all the pieces are in place for Phil Jackson to take over the front office for the New York Knicks, which means there is a 50 percent chance it will happen.

But let’s go ahead and suppose the Worldwide Leader got one right – even though the highly respected Adrian Wojnarowski of Yahoo! Sports is urging caution, saying things aren’t anywhere near done. Charley Rosen hinted at the same thing on this site 2 days ago.

As I reported in column, still no assurance an agreement will be reached. No one in Jackson’s world thinks deal is “close,” that’s for sure.

— Adrian Wojnarowski (@WojYahooNBA) March 11, 2014

 

Imagine the scene at Knicks headquarters in Greenburgh, the building without any signage identifying it as the practice home of the Knicks and the NHL’s New York Rangers – better to keep the hoi polloi away lest they try to seek an autograph.

In one of the back rooms, owner Jim Dolan and his team are prepping Jackson for his first mass interview:

Dolan: The guy you want to steer clear of is Frank Isola of the Daily News. He has a vendetta against this team and this organization, and we will have nothing to do with him. We don’t even e-mail him our practice schedule. If he manages to somehow jump in and ask a question, do your best to give a non-answer.

Jackson: Why are we talking about this?

Dolan: Shaddup. It’s all about Isola, OK? Winning is secondary. I have my priorities, and you work for me now.

Jackson (shuddering): What if he asks an entirely legitimate question, like how am I supposed to rebuild this roster when I have a grand total of two draft picks in the next four years – a No. 1 in 2015 and a No. 1 in 2017, and no second-rounders in 2014, 2015, 2016 and 2017?

Dolan: Tell him that New Yorkers don’t have the patience to rebuild through the draft. That was Ernie Grunfeld’s line when he was here a decade and a half ago, and people keep believing it the more it gets repeated.

Jackson: Do you believe that to be true?

Dolan: If I didn’t, why do you think I gift-wrapped this year’s No. 1 pick to the Nuggets when I threw the kitchen sink at young Josh Kroenke and gave him Gallinari, Chandler and Mozgov when that crazy old man Donnie Walsh was trying to get him on the cheap?

Jackson: But the idea is to get players like that on the cheap. ‘Melo wasn’t going to sign anywhere else, remember?

Dolan: I did what I had to do.

Jackson: Are you going to do that to me, too?

Dolan: No more questions out of you, you ex-hippie. The media get to ask the questions, not you.

Jackson: Except Isola, right?

Dolan: Except Isola.

Jackson: OK. What assurances do we have that Carmelo Anthony is going to sign a five-year deal after he opts out of his contract?

Dolan: Let me tell you something about Carmelo: He is not the sharpest knife in the drawer. And even though he said he’d take less than max money to allow us to build around him, that was just his way of trying to please the questioner. Truth is, we here at the Knicks are all very close to WorldWide Wes, and ‘Melo will do what Wes tells him to do.

Jackson: How do you know that?

Dolan: I told you: Shut up. No more questions.

Jackson: There’s some housecleaning to be done here. When do I get to bring in my own management staff, coaching staff and players?

Dolan: Whenever you want. Except you have to keep assistant general manager Allan Houston. And coach Mike Woodson. And player personnel director Mark Warkentien. And Melo. And you have treat all of them like kings. 

Jackson: Why?

Dolan: Because hey’re all CAA clients, and that’s who’s really calling the shots around here.

Jackson: OK, so if I assume Anthony is coming back, and I assume Tyson Chandler, Amar’e Stoudemire, Andrea Bargnani and Carmelo are all healthy at the start of camp, how are we going to clear that logjam?

Dolan: Easy: We trade Bargnani for a first-round draft pick. Believe me, he’s worth it. That’s what we gave up, along with Steve Novak, to get him.

Jackson: Didn’t Novak lead the NBA in 3-point shooting when he was here? Isn’t Bargnani the worst defensive player in the league according to advanced metrics?

Dolan: Don’t bother me with stats. If you wanted an owner who is obsessed with stats, you should have signed with Vivek Ranadive in Sacramento, the place you called a “Cow Town.”

Jackson: But it is a Cow Town.

Dolan: Voila. We agree on something. Now let’s move along with the intelligence my staff has gathered on the media. You know, it is not beyond us to have a security person follow around the most disliked reporters who cover this team, and we’ll be happy to do the same for you, Phil. You don’t have to worry much about Berman from the Post, but that Howard Beck of Bleacher Report has gone all tabloid since leaving the New York Times, and we can have him put under 24-hour watch if you’d like. We know where his kids go to school.

Jackson: Howard covered me for several years when I was coaching the Lakers. He is about as good as they get.

Dolan: No. You are wrong. There is no good media aside from Jill Martin of MSG interviewing celebrities at halftime. We love to promo that kind of stuff. Makes the fans at home want to buy tickets so they can be a part a special atmosphere.

Jackson: Do the fans have access to the courtside celebrities?

Dolan: Hell, no. When we reconfigured the building over the past couple of years, we changed the aisles so that no one can wander down past their designated price zone. And wait until you see where we are seating the media. Nosebleeds, baby. They need binoculars to cover the game now.

Jackson: Doesn’t that mean they’ll put a greater emphasis on what is said off the court than what happens on the court?

Dolan: (Silence)

Jackson: OK, so what kind of a plan are we on here – a two-year plan, a three-year plan? Are we going to sacrifice the upcoming season to get a high draft pick and use our cap space to get Kevin Love or Rajon Rondo as a free agent?

Dolan: Yes, that is the plan.

Jackson: But that is a power forward and a point guard, and we already have Carmelo and Raymond Felton playing those positions. By the way, why on earth did you give Felton a player option for the 2015-16 season? I have artificial hips and knees, and I can still run faster than that guy. We need a savior to come running through the tunnel like Willis Reed did.

Dolan: I told you: No more questions. And the tunnel is gone.

Jackson: OK. Well how much longer do I have to put up with J.R. Smith?

Dolan: Two more years. He has a player option for 2015-16.

Jackson: Why is that … oh, never mind. But it seems to me that with Felton, Smith, Iman Shumpert, Anthony and Tim Hardaway under contract for two years after this one, plus the money our first-round draft pick in 2015 will make, we are going to be able to get one max free agent and then a whole lot of bupkus.

Dolan: Hey, you were nothing but bupkus when you played here. You rode the coattails of Willis, Clyde, Earl the Pearl, Dave DeBusschere and Bill Bradley to your championship in ’73. You were nothing but a brute, an enforcer.

Jackson: Oh really? How many championships has the franchise won since?

Dolan: Meeting over! And remember, if you want to make a trade, it has to pass muster with me, OK? I am not paying you $20 million a season to run around unchecked. Oh, one other thing: You won’t be allowed to speak to the media again until training camp opens in October.

Jackson: Not even on draft night?

Dolan: No. It’s not a big deal. We have no picks.

Chris Sheridan is founder and editor-in-chief of SheridanHoops.com. Follow him on Twitter.