Producer B: But I thought you said they were a good team now? Why would they overhaul their roster? 
Producer A: Yeah, they will be a good team. But, for entertainment’s sake, we should have a new ownership group with random celebrities like Justin Timberlake and Peyton Manning come in and buy the team. Hell, we can probably have those guys make cameo appearances in the film!
Producer B: So why will they overhaul the team?
Producer A: Naturally, these new owners will be afraid to go over the luxury tax threshold. Therefore, they will unload several contracts to avoid having to pay millions. Let’s have them trade three role players and a pick to Cleveland for a single D-League talent just to clear $6 million from the cap.
Producer B: So basically you want them to trade their excess parts to avoid the luxury tax? I guess that makes sense…
Producer A: Then, like a week later, we’ll have them trade Rudy Gay!
Producer B: What??? This is where I have to put my foot down. Why would they trade Rudy Gay when they already got below the luxury tax? He would be one of their franchise’s all-time leading scorers at that point!
Producer A: Well, remember how they will have succeeded in 2011 without Gay? Memphis’ statisticians will tell their executives that the numbers validate that the team is actually better when Gay is off the court. We can get a team with no real idea of how to manage a budget to trade for Gay.
Producer B: Toronto sounds like the perfect team for that role!
Producer A: Agreed. So in the Gay trade, we’ll have them bring in a similar player to Battier. Maybe Tayshaun Prince. The Pistons will be looking to get younger and Prince deserves to play in the playoffs again.
Producer B: So Gay will be gone but they’ll have Battier, Q-Pon, and Tayshaun?
Producer A: Oh wait. You’re right. That’s too many small forwards. Let’s back up and have Battier leave as a free agent and chase a title with LeBron, Wade, and Bosh in Miami by signing for way less than what he’s worth. He can be the Heat’s sixth man.
Producer B: Are you sure we’re not making Miami unrealistically good?
Producer A: No, I’m not sure at all. They’ll probably go on some sort of outrageous winning streak or something. But anyway, back to Memphis following the Rudy Gay trade. Let’s have them struggle mightily right after the trade happens. Their coach, we’ll give that position to Lionel Hollins, will passive-aggressively complain to the media about his front office’s decisions. Then we’ll have rumors flying around that the Grizzlies are also looking to deal Zach Randolph. Tony Allen will vent his frustrations to the media and Mike Conley will doubt that the team will ever recover from the trade.
Producer B: So another fire sale?
Producer A: Well, here’s the thing. I want Memphis to miraculously find its groove and end up holding onto Randolph. Then, just as the statisticians theorized, Conley, Gasol, and Randolph will all benefit from sharing the touches that would have been going to Gay. Tayshaun will slide into the starting lineup and they will remain as one of the league’s best defensive teams.
Producer B: Wouldn’t they struggle for points though?
Producer A: Well, maybe in some games. But, for the most part, it won’t matter. Their big men will dominate the boards so effectively and their perimeter defenders will generate a lot of easy baskets in transition.
Producer B: That makes sense.
Producer A: Now, again, don’t get mad at me but I have another crazy idea. What if the Pacers also lose their biggest star and end up getting better as a result?
Producer B: You want them to trade Danny Granger?
Producer A: No. I actually think the Pacers will be good enough to survive without receiving any compensation for Granger. Let’s have Granger injure himself early in the season. Then, in his absence, Paul George can develop into a superstar. Everyone will step up. Stephenson will mature and develop into the best rebounding shooting guard in the league. West and Hibbert will become dominant inside. George Hill will have a breakout season. Their starters will be among the league’s best. They will have one of the most efficient defenses in the league and Hibbert will start to look like Dikembe Mutombo.
Producer B: How exactly do you expect these statisticians to measure efficient defense?
Producer A: Well, how about this. We take a large number, say, 100. And we measure how many points are scored against a specific player or team over 100 defensive possessions. My guess is that the most efficient players and teams would allow fewer than 100 points in 100 possessions.
Producer B: So let me get this straight. You want the Grizzlies to trade Rudy Gay and you want the Pacers lose Danny Granger to injury. Then, as a result, you want both teams to become legitimate title contenders?
Producer A: Precisely.
Producer B: I think you’re insane.
Producer A: I might be. I just really think this would be an incredible story to tell.
Producer B: So where does the story end?
Producer A: Well, that’s what I can’t really figure out. I know both teams will be really good. And I know I want the Grizzlies to catch a few breaks in the playoffs to eventually go on and get revenge against Kevin Durant en route to the Western Conference finals. Meanwhile, I also know that Indiana will be good enough to get to the Eastern Conference finals without needing much luck on their side.
Producer B: Well, do you know what team you want the Grizzlies to face in the West? I figure you must already have Miami’s super-team coming out of the East.
Producer A: You’re right. I do think the Pacers will have to face the Heat. For the West, I was thinking San Antonio. I know they look old now and will look even older five years from now. But think about: if the Spurs continue to get cheap young guys to serve as role players, it’s not that crazy to think Gregg Popovich will figure out a way to preserve his best players’ longevities for a long time. Is it? We can have San Antonio take the series’ first three games. Also, two of those games should go into overtime! Still, I’m not sure if I want the Grizzlies to lay down after falling into a 3-0 hole or if I want them to come back and make it a series.
Producer B: And what about the Pacers?
Producer A: Yeah. I haven’t decided on them either. I think we should have them fall in overtime to the Heat in Game 1. Then we can have them come back strong to tie up the series in Game 2. We’ll improvise from there. One way or another, the Pacers and Heat will be competitive throughout.
Jacob Eisenberg writes the daily Evening News for Sheridan Hoops. He is a rising junior at Emory University and frequently reports at Atlanta Hawks games. Check out his website here. Follow him on twitter @eisenberg43.
