We’re going to have a little fun with this column, which is our little antidote to the dog days of March in the NBA.
The quotes are entirely fictitious. Just wanted to make that perfectly clear.
Marv Albert: Hi folks! Welcome to the 2014-15 NBA All-Star Game – Villainy Edition! I’m Marv Albert, and in the booth with me are Reggie Miller and Steve Kerr. This year we’re introducing a new main event — it’s the All-Stars versus the All-Villains! After the fans complained bitterly about last season’s snoozer of a main event, Commissioner Silver decided to bring back some excitement. For one game, we’re going back in time to the 1990s, when the game was more physical. The All-Stars will have players from both the Eastern and Western Conferences. The All-Villains, on the other hand, were selected purely by fans online who can prove that they’ve read more than three articles on the NBA. Reggie, tell our viewers about the Villains team.
Reggie Miller: Oh boy, this is going to be an interesting game. The All-Villain team was handpicked by the fans after All-Star voting closed. Two rules in the All-Villain selection process: they can’t be players on the All-Star team, and they have to be players that you LOVE having as a teammate, but HATE playing against. And I mean HATE with a capital H. These guys want to win at all costs, they’re not trying to make friends. They’ll piss you off on the court and even deliver a hard foul or three. What this also means is that they’re actually going to play defense! That’s right fans, you’re going to see ACTUAL DEFENSE being played in an All-Star game!
Steve Kerr: That’s right, Reggie. While high scoring games are an entertaining product, there was just too much backlash from the Zach Lowes and the basketball purists of the world. The tribe has spoken, and the league has responded. There will be no technical fouls unless they are flagrant fouls. Trash talking and chest bumping with players on the other team is allowed. Flopping is an automatic technical foul. And keep in mind that the All-Villain players are playing with chips on their shoulders for not making the All-Star team. It’s going to be entertaining!
Albert: Let’s introduce our All-Villain team lineup. At center, we have the heart and soul of the All-Villain team — KEVIN GARNETT! Garnett needs no introduction. He’s been pissing everyone off, including his own teammates, with absurd trash-talking and antics since the beginning of time. Earlier in his career, it was considered “competitive behavior” — now it’s just getting really damn annoying.
Miller: Garnett’s extra pissed off that he didn’t make the All-Star team and that Brooklyn’s collapsed so badly this season. The FBI investigation certainly didn’t help. He’s also pissed off at Father Time. He might flat out murder someone out there.
Albert: At forward, we have the one and only DEMARCUS “BOOGIE” COUSINS. Boogie is still blacklisted from making the All-Star team due to his eternal petulance and ability to sulk at any time. But if he can keep his cool tonight, he’s going to have a big game. It’s hard to stop a 6’10” guy who can pretty much do anything on the court. He’s going to be a fixture on this squad for YEARS to come, if he can just stop staring at the refs and focus on his game.
Kerr: I predict big things for him tonight, Marv. He’s been on the phone with Phil Jackson, the Zen Master, every week. I think he’s a lot calmer now.
Albert: At the other forward position, we’ve got the reliable REGGIE EVANS. Evans has been pinching groins and shoving forearms into the unsuspecting backs of opposing players for a decade. He’s living proof that you don’t have to flop your way to success — you can do tons of other things to get that edge and get inside the opponent’s head. I wouldn’t be surprised if he lays someone flat on their back, either, to go with 20 rebounds tonight.
Miller: At the guard position, we welcome All-Villain superstar PATRICK BEVERLEY. Beverley is your prototypical “try-too-hard” NBA player. He’s going to get in your face from the get-go. He’s also leading the league this season in chasing down the ball after the time out whistle’s been blown. Russell Westbrook is already giving him the stink eye during warmups.
Kerr: The great thing about Patrick is that he doesn’t care what you think. He’s been doing great things for Houston, and that starting point guard spot is still his for a reason. He just outplayed Chris Paul last week. Beverley is one of my favorite players.
Albert: At the shooting guard position, we have the inimitable DION WAITERS. Waiters is mad this year. He had a memorable shootout with Tim Hardaway Jr. last year, but received no recognition from the All-Star committee despite being the self-proclaimed “best shooting guard in the league.” He’s got miles of confidence, and this year’s all-star snub has landed him in the land of the villains.
Miller: Waiters clearly wants to win, and has publicly announced that he’ll be guarding Kyrie Irving. The city of Cleveland is too big for the both of them and I wouldn’t be surprised if he drops 50 points to go with 0 rebounds and 0 assists.
Kerr: Now let’s introduce our All-Villain team backup unit. First, we have super sixth man LANCE STEPHENSON. “Born Ready” has alienated more fans with his theatrics and histrionics this season, despite signing a huge multi-year contract and leaving the Pacers for good. This season, he’s averaging a near triple-double, 1.1 technical fouls and 0.8 circus shots per game.
Miller: He’s really getting into it with fans on a daily basis. The “Screw Brooklyn” t-shirts are selling really well this season. I think I received less hate at Madison Square Garden in my heyday than Stephenson is receiving this season.
Kerr: Chuckles. That’s hard to believe, Reggie. Lance has started calling himself the Rodney Dangerfield of the NBA. He feels that he’s not getting any respect. And he’s ready to play!
Albert: Special surprise this year — we have none other than KOBE BRYANT coming off the bench! The Black Mamba had another injury setback this season, and has been tweeting bad things from behind the Lakers’ bench. His popularity has been on the decline since he called Pau Gasol out for the 3,692th time this season. The fans boycotted him from the All-Star team, but he has just been cleared by the team doctors to play.
Miller: Kobe Bryant is a fine candidate for the All-Villain team by virtue of his reputation and eagerness to stick it to young superstars LeBron James and Kevin Durant. I spoke to him before the game and he was clearly channeling Michael Jordan. “Screw the All-Stars,” he told me. “Screw LeBron and screw Kevin Durant. I’m going to be the MVP. You can quote me on that.”
Kerr: To round off the deep All-Villain team, we have a couple of great villains coming off the bench. I see MATT BARNES warming up over there. He’s the Rick Fox of our generation, always willing to stick that dagger 3 as well as pick a fight with the best player on the other team.
Miller: You always want someone like that on your team, Steve.
Albert: RAJON RONDO also joins us as an All-Villain, having been passed over in All-Star ballots. It wasn’t for lack of talent, either — the fans clearly felt that Rondo was a better All-Villain than All-Star. Rondo was shocked to learn this season that he’s still wearing Celtic green, and has publicly called out Danny Ainge for ruining the Boston organization. Ainge just doesn’t know what to do with Rondo right now.
Miller: Rondo’s so mad, he’s gone on record to say that he’ll even consider joining Miami. But he won’t do it unless the Heat dump Ray Allen first. I wouldn’t be surprised if Rondo innovates a new pass tonight — a bounce pass off the face of his defender. You heard it here first, folks.
Kerr: And coming out of retirement to lead the All-Villain team as head coach, is none other than PAT RILEY. Since we want to go back in time to the heyday of the 1990’s, there’s no better coach to do the job. Plus, he knows more than a little bit about LeBron James, and that information will be useful tonight as the Villains try to contain King James. Fortunately, due to the special rules of the game, James’ flopping powers will be neutralized.
Miller: Apparently Jeff Van Gundy was unavailable as head coach candidate this season, as he’s taking a sabbatical in the Middle East. JVG did indicate his pleasure upon hearing about this new All-Star Game format, and may video conference in at halftime.
Albert: This just in — my sources tell me that JOAKIM NOAH really wants to move over from the All-Stars to the All-Villains! He was reportedly upset with the other All-Stars last year for being the Only Player Who Gave A Damn About The Outcome. But the fans have spoken and he’ll be playing for the team that doesn’t try. He looks pretty mad already, I think a storm is brewing on the horizon!
Miller: Tip-off is starting! The Villains are refusing to shake hands with the other team. They’re looking to take care of business. Some trash talking is already starting before the first possession. I see Garnett smiling over there. As captain of the All-Villains, he’s given his team a pep talk before the game and they’re not taking any prisoners.
*** 9:28 INTO THE FIRST QUARTER ***
Albert: Well guys…what just happened?
Miller: Well Marv, Steve, I think we just lost control of the situation. It looks like the game won’t continue. The All-Stars didn’t realize that they were playing against players who were actually going to try and win the game, and not just in the 4th quarter.
Kerr: They didn’t know what hit them. There was a block, and a hard foul on James. Followed by another foul on Carmelo Anthony. From then on, it just escalated. And it looks like the refs are calling off the game because the benches on both sides just cleared. Thankfully no brawl, but the shoving has escalated.
Albert: The fans are screaming right now. They’re booing Blake Griffin and chanting something we can’t repeat on broadcast. Apparently, Rondo brushed past Griffin and Griffin landed on his butt in a masterful acting performance. It’s getting out of control…
Miller: Well, this was not what anybody expected. I see commissioner Adam Silver coming out right now, I think he’s going to make a statement. Stay with us and we’ll be right back.
James Hsu is a Chinese-Canadian writer currently living in Beijing. Follow him on Twitter at @james_hsu.
(ALSO FROM JAMES HSU: PREVIEW OF THE CHINESE BASKETBALL ASSOCIATION FINALS)