Evelyn Wood can read this column in less than 30 seconds. You don’t have to.
One sentence can sum up the offseason thus far for all 30 teams as July comes to an end.
I will be a man of few words.
We’ll do it alphabetically.
A
TLANTA HAWKS
They added Thabo Selolosha and Kent Bazemore, and GM Danny Ferry is sitting on $8 million plus of cap space for reasons yet unknown.
BOSTON CELTICS
As Peter May explains in this column, fireworks were expected because Wyc Grousbeck used the word “fireworks,” which is a bad way to announce the arrival of Avery Bradley as a franchise cornerstone while everyone loses hope of acquiring Fenway Park favorite Kevin Love.
BROOKLYN NETS
Summer No. 1 of remorse over trading three No.1 picks and the right to swap a fourth for Kevin Garnett (retiring, or what?) and Paul Pierce, who now plays for the Wizards — although Bogan Bogdanovic believes this will not be a problem.
CHARLOTTE HORNETS
“We used to be called the Bobcats, and we used to not have Lance Stephenson.”
CHICAGO BULLS
So happy with the addition of Nikola Mirotic, but will give up him, Taj Gibson and Doug McDermott for Kevin Love.
CLEVELAND CAVALIERS
“We got LeBron, only 50 years after Jim Brown led our city to our last championship — but of course there is no pressure on LeBron” (even though there really is like never before, despite him setting expectations low in the anti-Decision).
DALLAS MAVERICKS
A sneaky good 50-1 title pick after adding Chandler Parsons, Al-Farouq Aminu, Tyson Chandler and Jameer Nelson while re-signing Dirk, who is prifiled nicely in this column by Chris Bernucca.
DENVER NUGGETS
“There is nothing we can do to truly compete in this conference, and we know it, which is why we’ve done nothing about it.”
DETROIT PISTONS
New president is named Stan Van Gundy, and they will name a car after him in the Motor City before it’s all said and done — if Greg Monroe takes his offer and does not become a Sam Hinkie pawn.
GOLDEN STATE WARRIORS
Aren’t getting Kevin Love unless they give up Klay Thompson.
HOUSTON ROCKETS
Biggest losers of the offseason and redesigners of the word disaster after losing Chandler Parsons, Jeremy Lin and Omer Asik for the faint, false hope of getting Chris Bosh and the consolation prizes of Trevor Ariza and Jeff Adrien.
INDIANA PACERS
Rodney Stuckey replaces Lance Stephenson, and how are we supposed to believe that is going to go well?
LOS ANGELES CLIPPERS
Donald Sterling is the King Of Litigiousness, so maybe this ain’t over.
LOS ANGELES LAKERS
Remember when they were relevant rather than shunned?
MEMPHIS GRIZZLIES
If he still worked at ESPN, John Hollinger would put a 90 percent probability on the chances of Marc Gasol being a member of the New York Knicks 12 months from now.
MIAMI HEAT
Pat Riley knew he was a dead man when he walked into that meeting in Vegas with LeBron.
MILWAUKEE BUCKS
In one summer, they have added Mallory Edens, Jabari Parker and Jason Kidd.
MINNESOTA TIMBERWOLVES
Ricky Rubio is going to want to stay here for what reason exactly?
NEW ORLEANS PELICANS
Used to be the Hornets and used to play in Oklahoma City and used to have Chris Paul, confusing casual fans.
NEW YORK KNICKS
Somehow ended up with Jose Calderon, Cleanthony Early and, oh yeah, that ‘Melo guy to lead Phil Jackson’s late life front office Self-Renaissance.
OKLAHOMA CITY THUNDER
Get ready, and/or brace yourself: The dominant rumor angle for the next two years is that Kevin Durant will leave for the Washington Wizards as a free agent in 2016.
ORLANDO MAGIC
There is nothing to say.
PHILADELPHIA 76ERS
Don’t mind them, they are just tanking with the reigning Rookie of the Year and Nerlens Noel on the floor, Joel Embiid in the bank, and $35 million in cap room to play with for the rest of the summer and fall and winter.
PHOENIX SUNS
Have managed to piss off Eric Bledson, arguably the best free agent point guard (albeit restricted) on the summer 2014 market, while also adding point guards Isaiah Thomas and Tyler Ennis alongside core guy Goran Dragic, leading to the dilemma: How many question marks are appropriate???
PORTLAND TRAIL BLAZERS
Got Chris Kaman.
SACRAMENTO KINGS
Stayed out of luxury tax by downgrading Isaiah Thomas to Darren Collison.
SAN ANTONIO SPURS
Bringing back exact same defending champs roster with the addition of UCLA rookie Kyle Anderson, they are currently listed as 9/2 second choice in Vegas behind Cavs (4/1).
TORONTO RAPTORS
Are you like me and will never quite get over the humorous absurdity of Masai Ujiri yelling “Fuck Brooklyn” last April?
UTAH JAZZ
When exactly can we question the wisdom of letting Al Jefferson and Paul Millsap leave exactly one year before matching a max offer to Gordon Hayward while the Derrick Favors extension gets ready to kick in?
WASHINGTON WIZARDS
If Paul Pierce and Kris Humphries lead the Wizards to the No. 1 seed (fourth choice in Vegas to win East, 15/1), how bad do Billy King and Danny Ainge and Kim Kardashian look?
Chris Sheridan is publisher and editor-in-chief of SheridanHoops.com. Follow him on Twitter.
Personally I thought these were all on-point, especially Orlando.
Lighten up people.
Why would Ainge care if Pierce & Hump lead the Bulletts to the #1 seed? He already got picks for Pierce and a trade-exception for Hump, who will be lucky to get 15 minutes a night on that roster.
I was looking forward to reading what you had to say about the magic… Then I get there and you don’t even say anything. What a joke of an article. “There is nothing to say” yeah right.
Las Vegas Sports book joints are going to make up all the money the lose on the 2015 Superbowl with the money they make from those betting on the 2014-15 Cavs. You can bet on it.
Not sure what Mr. Sheridan’s comment about the Raptors had to do with their off-season.
I thought he would write something like #WetheNorth has been replaced by “Two years away from being two years away”